Anything Goes School of Fanfiction, Chapter One
by PO Bocks
Summary: I Now Pronounce You Ma...err... Woman and Wife!


Ranma 1/2: AGSoF[[1]][1]; Chapter 1,

_I now pronounce you man..._

_I mean, **woman and wife!**_

Ranma wasn't scared. After all, it wasn't like there was anything to be afraid of. It was just a wedding. After all that he'd been through, a wedding was nothing. Try beating the Seven Lucky God Martial Artists. Or that pipsqueak Prince Toma and his guys. **That was tough. Ranma had done so many things so much more dangerous(_Playing taste-tester to Akane, said the part of his mind that usually got him beat up by his tomboy of a fiancee). He'd even beaten that stupid cat-demon(shudder). And, perhaps most impressive of all, he'd survived his father's rather eccentric(totally insane) and somewhat unproductive(stupid and pointless) training methods (torture). __And, Ranma thought, __the (Counts on fingers) __one hundred seventy-five...no, seventy-seven fiancees he has saddled me with. And their _****relatives.**

This was only a wedding. No big deal. Ranma wasn't scared.

He was terrified.

...

As Nabiki walked into Akane's room, her eyebrow shot up in an unsurprised kind of shock. The room was a mess. Every breakable object was broken, and the unbreakable ones were getting worried.

Debris from various knickknacks and ruptured stuffed animals mixed with plaster and wood from the broken sections of the walls and ceiling. The bedframe had lost a valiant struggle to retain its shape, and had collapsed in a flood of mattress stuffing and broken box springs. Alone, adrift on the wreck of a more-or-less intact desk(less would be more accurate) lay a picture frame, which rested calmly, untouched by the carnage around it.

The cause of all this destruction was a short, nineteen year-old girl, who lay curled up in a fetal position, crying her eyes out, her sobs occasionally punctuated by a muttered "Baka!".

"Hello, Akane," said Nabiki wryly, "I take it you're having second thoughts?"

"I'm NOT going to marry that HENTAI!" yelled the girl at a volume that would have put a drill sergeant to shame, "Never! Not gonna do it! I won't mar-"

"So don't," interrupted her sister, who leaned casually against the doorframe.

"-ry that pervert and you can't mak...huh?" Akane stopped in mid-word, struck speechless.

"If you don't want to marry him, than don't. It **is your wedding, after all."**

"B-b-but father..."

"Akane, it isn't daddy who has to say 'I do'. It's you. The only reason for you to marry Ranma is because you want to." Nabiki stood up straight and began walking away. Halfway out the door, she turned her head and spoke over her shoulder. "If you **do, I'd suggest you hurry up and get ready. The wedding IS only a couple of hours from now." She turned back and walked casually down the stairs, softly humming the wedding march.**

"WHY WOULD I WANT TO-" Akane stopped, as confusion and a strange, terrifying realization warred for supremacy in her soft brown eyes. So softly that it was almost inaudible, she whispered. 

"Why **would I want to marry him?"**

...

Ranma groaned mentally as his mother walked into the room, dragging the heavily bruised forms of Soun Tendo and Genma Saotome's panda body by their ears. Not that Ranma didn't love his mother. It was just that he didn't think he could stand another of her 'Do-or-Die'(_Ha! Ranma thought) speeches. _

"Ranma, my son," began Nodoka, as she sat down on the futon across from him, "I will not force you to marry Akane."

"Mom, I've heard it all before, I underst- huh? What'd you say?" Ranma stuck a finger in his ear, mistrusting his hearing.

"I have come to the realization that perhaps Akane is not the one for you. If not, it would be a tragedy for you to wed." Nodoka's face softened slightly. "Your happiness, and that of Akane, mean much more than your father's promise, or the fate of the Tendo Dojo." Nodoka turned in her seat and glared at her Soun and the cringing panda. "Correct, most honored husband and friend Soun?" She punctuated the question by half drawing her katana, then slamming it home in the scabbard. Soun and Genma audibly gulped and quickly nodded.

"So, my son, I will leave you now; so that you may decide what you shall do. Remember, I will love you no matter what your decision is." Nodoka embraced Ranma, then silently walked out of the room, dragging the two fathers out with her.

Ranma remained silent, his brain working at breakneck speed. _I can go back to China...or move out on my own...or travel the world...or go back home- Ranma faltered a bit, wondering where home was, if not the Tendo Dojo. __I can do whatever I want...I'm completely free!_

One thought, however, brought him up short.

_But...she's so cute when she smiles..._

__

...

Akane, still lost in thought, suddenly realized that she was covered in plaster dust and other debris. "Wedding or no," she stated wryly to the empty air, "I am going to get cleaned up!" Giggling slightly, she jumped up, grabbed a towel from the linen closet, and headed for the bathroom.

...

"Feh. All this thinkin's giving me a headache, And, even if I'm not gonna marry that tomboy, I really need a shower. I've been sweating like a black pig lost in the Sahara. (_Double Ha! Ranma thought, recalling his last 'talk' with Ryoga)_

With a snicker at his P-chan pun, Ranma jumped up and rocketed out the door at his usual mach ten. Picking up a towel on the way, he kicked the partway open bathroom door out of his way as he tugged on his shirt.

...

Akane shivered as the freezing water cascaded over her chest and shoulders. _Kami-sama, that's cold! she thought, rubbing her goose-bump covered shoulders. She stood up quickly, eager to immerse herself in the hot water that filled the bathtub, when suddenly the door swung open..._

Ranma walked into the bathroom, but he stopped short as his eyes met Akane's. He was trapped, his eyes locked with hers. He couldn't understand why he'd never seen it before... Her eyes were so deep, like soft brown pools of laughter and kindness. Emotions, thoughts, **life flickered inside Akane's eyes, shadows of a beautiful soul, a beautiful person that Ranma...**

Suddenly, a stray thought, accompanied by a strong feeling of Deja Vú, caught up with Ranma and induced him to take a quick glance at his current situation. A realization settled over Ranma like a noose.

_I'm dead._

Akane couldn't stop staring. Ranma's eyes were so hard. So strong. Not a glimpse of weakness within them. And yet, as he stared back at her, his eyes softened. There was...something...a kindness to his eyes, Akane decided. Some hidden gentleness of the soul. His absolute self-confidence, his stubborn will were as much in evidence, but they were not the core of his being, as many believed, though they were as much a part of him as the rest. 

Suddenly, a cold breeze brought Akane out of her trance. Deja Vú gave way quickly to Akane's rage, and one thought stood out in her mind.

_He's dead._

...

Ranma closed his eyes, bracing himself as Akane drew back her fist. After a long moment, he opened them again, surprised to find himself uninjured.

Akane's eyes were tightly shut, her fists tightly clenched to her sides. To Ranma's amazement, she was shaking. It looked like she was crying...until, suddenly, she burst out in uncontrollable laughter. Gales of giggles, snorts, and hysterical shrieks issued forth from Akane's throat as she rolled around on the tiled floor.

"Akane?" Ranma asked in a very worried tone, "Are you okay? What's goin' on!?" Ranma was near panic, sure that his fiancee had lost her mind.

"Ba...Baka..." panted Akane, out of breath.

"Hey! Why d'ya gotta insult-" Ranma broke off at Akane's raised hand.

"We're both idiots. We've been... fighting for three years... because of one... stupid... accident!" She collapsed into helpless laughter once again.

Ranma snorted. _Easy for her to laugh, he thought, __she's not the one who got clobbered for it! But the happy grin that followed her laughter somehow took away much of his resentment. "Kawaii..."_

Akane looked up expectantly. "Don't you mean 'Kawaii Kunee'?" 

A confused and thoughtful look covered Ranma's features as he replied. "No... I never did, really..."

Silence suddenly filled the bathroom. Both Akane and Ranma struggled with themselves, trying to break the silence.

"Ranma, do you...?""Hey, Akane, do you...?"

The two fell silent once more. Slowly, all the while staring deeply into the other's eyes, they softly spoke as one.

"Do you want to marry me?"

...

As if in a dream, Ranma's entire life flashed before his eyes. First the long, lonely training with his father. Becoming friends with Ukyo, then suddenly leaving for some strange reason of his father's. The pit of starved cats, the cursed spring. Being chased out of China by Shampoo. And then, there was the Tendo family. And Akane.

_"Hi! I'm Akane. Want to be friends?"_

...

Akane felt as if time had slowed to a crawl, allowing her to review every single memory of her life with Ranma. She remembered all his insults, his thoughtlessness, his perverted ways(although how many of those_, she wondered, were just accidents?). But, far, far stronger in her memories were the good ones; the way he always protected her, even at great cost to himself(flashback to Toma's spring), the way he was always there for her (he might complain, but he always helped in the end) The way his face had softened when he told her..._

_"You know, you're cute when you smile."_

__

...

Ranma, decision made, cleared his throat and began to speak. "Akane, I l-love y-" He got no farther than that before one hundred fifty-two pounds of cold, soaking wet Akane glomped onto him in a flying bear hug. "I love you too, Ranma!" whispered Akane fiercely, tears of joy squeezing out from beneath her tightly closed eyelids.

"A-Akane...c-can't...breathe..." Ranma squeaked as he felt his ribs creak_, "l-loosen up..."_

Reluctantly, Akane let go. Ranma straightened up, and quickly swept her up in a hug of his own. "I love you too, you crazy tomboy!" His face became more serious, as he went down on one knee and softly began to speak, "Will, you Akane Tendo," Ranma quickly glanced around, "Without nobody, not a father, a mother, a sister, **nobody makin' you_, marry me?"_**

Eyes glistening, Akane replied softly. "As long as you will,Ranma, without anyone making you."

Finally at peace with each other, their engagement, and their hearts, Akane and Ranma tenderly embraced.[[2]][2]

...__

After a long moment, the couple separated. Akane gave Ranma a quick peck on the cheek, then half-skipped into the bathroom and started to dry herself off. "Ranma," she said, her voice muffled slightly as by the towel, "I don't think we have time to finish our baths... I'm going to go get ready."

Ranma started to agree with her, but changed his mind at the last second. "Ummm... you go ahead, Akane. I better finish my bath."

"Why..." Akane growled in a menacing tone, pausing in the middle of pulling off her shirt, "Isn't our wedding a bit more important than your personal hygiene?"

Sensing the icicles that had crept into his fiancee's tone, Ranma rather hurriedly interrupted. "**NO! No, o' course not, that's not it at all... it's just...well... what would people say about this?"**

Akane blushed as her gaze followed Ranma's pointing finger to his chest, which had sprouted two rather feminine appendages. "Oops," muttered Akane. "Sorry bout that."[[3]][3]

...

Hours later, a battered, bruised, and rather cranky Akane and Ranma stood before the altar of the wedding chapel. Ranma's tuxedo was missing about half a coattail, and Akane's beautiful dress had gone from a floor-length to a knee-length, but they were otherwise in good condition.

They'd made it past Gosunkugi's death traps fairly easily (Although the bear traps and Tiger pit had made the aforementioned alterations to Akane's dress). Next, they had to deal with the entire Kuno family, who, luckily, had not been much on teamwork (In fact, they soon forgot Akane and Ranma, as the 'Black Rose' and 'Blue Thunder' turned to the destruction of their father). Under the cover of the resulting clouds of shaven hair and black petals, Akane and Ranma shook their heads and walked away; the one giggling helplessly, the other muttering the word 'Baka,' over and over again under his breath.

Next came the fiancees. Shampoo tried yet again to erase Akane's memory, but was stopped cold; under her veil, Akane wore her father's Samurai helmet. After dealing with Shampoo, Ukyo made her appearance. However, she wasn't there to fight.

"Ran-chan," stuttered Ukyo, her eyes fixed on the ground, "I- I understand. I c-can see now how much you and Akane...l-love each other... I w-wish you both the b-b-best." 

Suddenly, Ukyo burst into tears, smashed Ranma into a nearby hedge (to which he lost his left coattail) with her huge spatula, and, with a tearful "Goodbye!", leapt across the rooftops into the sunset.

Then Asuza and Mikhado attacked them for no particular reason that they could comprehend.

But they had finally made it. Ranma and Akane were finally there, in front of their families, a few close friends, and a kindly old pastor, and nothing was going to stop them now.

...

"And if anyone has some reason why this couple should not be wed, let them speak now, or forever hold their pea-"

Suddenly, the doors to the chapel burst inward as Ryoga smashed his way in and yelled, "I do! Because I LOVE AKANE TENDO!" at the top of his lungs.

A silence fell over the shrine. "And what, exactly," asked the grandfatherly priest, as he replaced his wooden sword within his long, white robes and brushed back his long, silver ponytail, "does that have to do with my grandson's wedding?"

Ryoga looked up at the altar, where the veiled bride stood next to a medium-sized man whose brown hair was pulled up in a short pigtail, but who otherwise bore little resemblance to Ranma.

"Oops," murmured the blushing Ryoga, and he sat down in the nearest pew, as the elderly priest continued the ceremony. Ryoga, his curiosity getting the better of him, stared at the couple. _That's funny, thought Ryoga, __that guy doesn't look very surprised. He acts like he's used to having total strangers just crash into his life and ruin everything. Poor guy. __ __[[4]][4] _

The bride's attire. The dress she wore covered not only her face, but her hair as well, making it impossible to tell what she looked like.

Suddenly, the grandfatherly old man's words interrupted Ryoga's concentration. "Do you, Tenchi, take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?"

The nervous husband-to-be gulped audibly, than cleared his throat and said "I do."

"And do you,..." 

At this moment, Ryoga lost interest, tuning out his surroundings, concentrating on his grief over Akane's now certain marriage to Akane.[[5]][5]

...

Meanwhile, at the correct chapel, Ranma and Akane had an objector of their own to deal with. "Akane!" the football sized, panty-seeking martial arts master cried as he flew through the doors, "Let me caress your sweet charms one last time!"

A collective gasp rose from the crowd, then changed instantly to one of amazement as Ranma, faster than the eye could follow, whipped out a small, white article of clothing and flung it out through the church's open doors. Happosai immediately changed course to intercept the bra, catching it with a crow of triumph (_"What a haul, what a haul!") as he flew through the door...and into a cement mixer. After the applause died down, the priest continued the ceremony._

"A cunning strategy," whispered Genma to his wife. 

Nodoka nodded, but an expression of confused curiosity crossed her face. "Where did Ranma get that bra?"

At Akane's blush and Ranma's smirk, Kasumi murmured "Oh my!" under her breath.[[6]][6]

...

Finally, the Padré got to the good part. "Do you, Akane Tendo, take this man to be your lawful wedded husband, in sickness and in health, in times both troubled and serene, till death do you part?"

Akane looked deep into Ranma's eyes. "I do."

"And do you, Ranma Saotome, ta-"

Suddenly, from behind the priest, a bucketful of water sluiced through the air, splashing Ranma head on.

"Waah!" sputtered Ranma, who immediately shifted his now feminine body into a fighting stance, "What's the big idea?!"

A cold, malevolent laughter filled the chapel, as a tiny, wrinkled, ghoulish figure hopped up on the altar. "You will marry Shampoo, Ranma."

Ranma glared at the football-sized crone for a moment, then burst out laughing. "You think that a lil' water's gonna stop me from marryin' the woman I love? Besides; we came prepared." Ranma turned around and grabbed one of the church's two baptismal fonts...the fake one that secretly contained a hot water heater. Ranma poured the water over himself, than strutted back to his place at the altar, motioning the priest to continue.

"Umm... Mr. Saotome...how should I put this...you-"

Ranma interrupted the fumbling priest, "Get ON with it! Before someone ELSE interrupts!"

"B-b-but there's something I really think you should know..."

"**WHAT!?" yelled Ranma, losing his cool. Couldn't this guy take a hint?**

"Ranma..." said Akane softly, instantly catching his attention, "You're...still a girl."

Ranma looked down on the cackling mummy who now perched on a pew between Soun and Genma.

"You are trapped, mukodono!" gloated Cologne, her eyes burning in triumph. "I alone have the antidote to that extra-cursed water...and you know my price."

With a final self-satisfied chuckle, Cologne shot out the chapel's door...followed by the small crowd of enraged martial artists attending the wedding. Soon, the church was empty except for Akane, the slack-jawed priest, and Ranma, whose now delicate-looking fists were clenched with white-knuckled intensity.

A shocked silence settled over the church. Ranma turned his back on the altar...and on Akane. "Kami-sama..." he whispered so quietly that Akane could barely hear him; whispered as if to deny the hated feminine tone of his voice. "This was supposed to be our wedding..."

Slowly Ranma turned back to Akane. He reached out and took her hand between his, clutching it like a lifeline as the tears rolled down his face. After a few minutes, he let go of her hand, and he slowly walked, head held rigid, toward the door of the chapel. "I'm so sorry, Akane...I love you more than anything..." The tears flowed down both their faces now. "Goodbye..." he whispered.

...

Ranma was stopped by the gentle touch of Akane's hand on his shoulder. "No. Never goodbye, Ranma. I don't care what body you're in. I don't love a boy or a girl," she continued, her voice firm as iron, yet filled with warmth and love, "I love a Ranma; _the Ranma, who I want to marry me right now. I don't know what is going to happen, but I am ****__not going to lose you, not now, no matter what!"_

Ranma turned to Akane, his tears of sorrow turning to tears of joy. "Of course I'll marry you, dummy...I love you!"

From behind the altar, his presence long since forgotten, the priest stood up straight and cleared his throat. "I now pronounce you man..._person and wife. You may kiss...um...each other."_

The pastor's fumbling went unnoticed, however.

...[[7]][7]

There are three kisses that have been judged the most sweet, loving, passionate kisses of all time. This one blew them all away, and tied for first with Wesley and Buttercup.[[8]][8]

...

The priest wiped tears from his eyes; he always cried at weddings. He silently tiptoed out of the church, got on his bicycle, and smiled the whole ride home.

...

Many hours later, a large panda padded into the chapel. The search for Cologne had been a total flop, but he had at least achieved a personal victory (and that was the last time little Timmy ever shot a grown-up with a super-soaker). The panda shook the water out of his fur, than walked into the dark, seemingly empty church. Creeping into the reception hall, he made a beeline for the untouched wedding cake...but stopped at the sight which greeted his eyes.

Ranma and Akane were curled up in a big armchair, their arms wrapped tightly around each other. Ranma's soft snores and Akane's steady breathing were the only sounds to be heard in the darkened room.

As quietly and as gently as he could, the panda pulled a tablecloth off of a nearby table and covered his sleeping son and daughter-in-law. Silently, so as not to wake them, he tiptoed across the hall and out of the room.

Then tiptoed back, snatched the wedding cake in his nimble paws, and quietly left.

*****************************************************************

Glossary of Japanese terms:

baka: Idiot; can also mean stupid, silly, jerk, etc. 

kawaii: Cute

kunee: A negation, thus, where 'Kawaii' means 'cute',

'kawaii kunee' means 'uncute'

mukodono: Son-in-law, possibly a Chinese word

*****************************************************************

The Anything Goes School of Author's Notes

Thank you for reading the first volume of the AGSoF series of fanfics. As you have hopefully figured out by now, this was set in the universe of Ranma ½, the popular Manga and Anime series by Rumiko Takahashi. I owe her for most of this story, but I would also like to acknowledge Hitoshi Okudo, who writes the manga series No Need For Tenchi, for the wedding scene(And I still ain't tellin'), as well as the writer of The Princess Bride, from whom I stole that "Three kisses" spiel. 

I originally wrote this story as a challenge to myself: Could I write a non-perverted fanfic in which Akane and Ranma get hitched; WHILE RANMA IS TRAPPED AS A GIRL. Yes, I plan to continue the story. Feel free to send comments and criticism to CntFenring@aol.com. Hatemail may be written out on paper, rolled up into a tube, and shoved into whatever orifice of the sender's that he/she would find most uncomfortable.

I don't mind brutal criticism, but think on this; If the best thing someone has to do is to read through this whole fanfic, and then waste the time to send me mail just to say that it sucks, then that person has less of a life than ME. And that would be **_sad._**

But, as I said, genuine comments are more than welcome, and if I screwed up, tell me so I can fix it! (It'd also be nice if you also told me the stuff I did _right.)_

(P.S. Dear Mrs. Takahashi, Mr. Okudo, Viz Communications, and whoever the heck owns the rights to The Princess Bride; Please don't sue me, I have less money than I have talent.)

(P.P.S. I would like to thank Frank Herbert, Orson Scott Card, Isaac Asimov, Darren Demaine (His fanfics gave me some ideas) and about a jillion other writers for influencing my writing and philosophy of life. I would also like to thank my real life friends Matthew T. Poole, Tyson CALVERT ::Snicker:: Anderson, Carolyn Lea Coney, and my mom and dad, for making me the person I am today (For which act they will indubitably be condemned by all humanity ;-)

Forthcoming:Ranma 1/2, AGSoF, Volume 2

The Wrath of Kong,

or

Godzuki Kicks Back.

  


* * *

[[1]][9]**Anything ****Goes ****School ****of ****Fanfiction. Obviously.**

[[2]][10]Anyone who wants to say that Akane is out of character may email the hand, cause the author ain't listening.(BTW, I am ignoring the two lovebirds' nudity because Akane and Ranma are ignoring it. They have better things to think of. And so should you. Perverts.)

[[3]][11](Looks like Akane REALLY wasn't paying attention... ;-)

[[4]][12]So now you know everything there is to know about Tenchi. Poor guy.

[[5]][13]Now, don't worry. Would I leave you hanging like that? Actually, yes. Nyah Nyah.

[[6]][14]He borrowed it from the hamper in the bathroom. You pervert.

[[7]][15]This next part is the part that I am still looking for the quote for. The final one will have the correct quote from the Princess Bride.

[[8]][16]So I plagiarized the Princess Bride. So sue me. Actually, please don't, because I am broke enough already. 

   [1]: #_ftn1
   [2]: #_ftn2
   [3]: #_ftn3
   [4]: #_ftn4
   [5]: #_ftn5
   [6]: #_ftn6
   [7]: #_ftn7
   [8]: #_ftn8
   [9]: #_ftnref1
   [10]: #_ftnref2
   [11]: #_ftnref3
   [12]: #_ftnref4
   [13]: #_ftnref5
   [14]: #_ftnref6
   [15]: #_ftnref7
   [16]: #_ftnref8



End file.
